White knuckles and blue toes

I have gone so long, the longest I’ve ever been.

I hardly ever think about who I used to be.

I stood outside on the back porch watching the bugs crowd around the light.

Those dumb mother fuckers. But if I turn the light off they go away. Do they find other lights?

I think maybe I’ll shave my legs and find a dress that will fit my ever expanding body. What if I don’t refill my meds?

In the grocery store they have plant based milk. Am I doing this again?

Listening to the dogs bark, I paint my toes and squeeze my fat thighs together.

Will anyone notice if I buy a pacifier? Do I care?

What if I give in? What then? It’s never that simple and I’ve come this far.

Is this how Boo felt?

When you stab someone with a sword and then everyone takes sides but me, what side am I on?

Sitting in a cage feels like home. Sitting at home feels like a cage.

I bought the perfect red lipstick and drew on my nipple with it. Then I colored in my favorite book.

Breathing from my feet. Holding my eyes closed with the palms of my hands and I smear my mascara.

I’m happy all by myself. I’m sad all by myself.

I want to count the orgasms like rain drops. Instead I slide chocolate into my mouth and lick my fingers.

Have you ever wondered what standing in one place, waiting for a sign feels like? Do other people have these experiences standing on the back porch watching bugs kill themselves?

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