A long time ago when I was a different woman I needed someone to take care of me, even if the taking care part wasn’t particularly efficient. I had no faith in myself and would panic when left to figure things out on my own. But I was also stubborn and instead of guidance, I was given the line “I’m just going to let you butt with your own head”. I was expected to fail at whatever I was doing, and more often than not, I did.
As I slowly morphed into this woman I attempted to give my reigns over to someone else here and there or seek counseling from a trusted source. But I’ve had that stubborn streak or untrusting bit of myself always waiting. Eventually I trusted myself enough to not have the urge to hand my reigns over to anyone.
I know I should go to the gym, drink water, and pay my bills. I know my children better than anyone and dont need the obvious “Dont you think Youngest should clean her room?” pointed out to me. I can change my own lightbulbs. Or I can sit in the dark.
Now when I “butt with my own head” I take responsibility for my own actions.
So I don’t identify as submissive. If a man attempted to tell me what I already know, I’d laugh in his face. Keep your mouth shut. Stay in your lane. I know what I’m about, son. I like my messy life just the way it is, else I’d change it.
So the other night The Chocolate Man was in my kitchen with his flashlight peering into my fridge. I said “Hey, if you want to track down a light bulb for that fridge, feel free. I’ve purchased about 7 different bulbs and none of them fit.”
I sat stunned at myself for a moment.
I was cuddling on the couch with The Daddyman and he asked me what I want out of this. I’m resourceful and responsible. I trust myself. I love myself. I don’t need anything. I want fun and easy. I want no pressure. I want just hang out without definitions.
Again after I said these things, I sat stunned at myself.
Let’s not get things twisted. I’m a mess. The difference between now and then is then I used to crave acceptance and help to be less of a mess.