Recently I completed a brutal purge of my social media and phone contacts. I deleted my number and email address and a host of other things that may or may not be good for me. I stopped texting and connecting. I have reasons. I’m trying for …. something different. I know what insanity looks like. I’m dangerously close to doing the exact same thing and expecting a different result.
I collect people. I don’t know why, but even when that person is clearly bad for me or I’m bad for them, or maybe the toxic nature of our relationship is well… toxic, I still collect them. I will make an absolute fool of myself with someone, for someone. The end result is always pain.
So I thought about it for a few days. Then I went through everything. Bills, dishes, people, …. I’m slowly cleaning my life. That’s absolutely not to say that the dish or blanket or person isn’t absolutely necessary and wonderful. Just that sometimes I need to go in a different direction, down a different path.
I’m self aware enough to realize when I am the bad apple. I need to be okay with cleaning up my life, even when it’s painful. I may not be brutal enough to completely cut someone or something out of my life, because well… to be perfectly honest, I worry. I fret.
Is the cold turkey the way to go? It hurts either way.
I wish being a mature adult wasn’t so confusing. Because I’d call him right now….
Also I weigh 231 pounds. Am I going to throw out my pile of jeans that don’t fit or am I going to do the really hard thing and take care of myself?
Do I have the fortitude to take care of myself? Honestly I don’t even know where my compression sleeve is. If I’m not very careful it will be 2020.
I know none of this ramble made sense but I can’t sleep, I’m worried about my future.
And there’s a word that keeps coming up over and over. Like a maze is in my brain and I’m running toward the end but I keep making a wrong turn. The word is at the end of the maze and I don’t know if I want to run toward it full speed or walk cautiously.
I have told a handful of people, just to see how that word tastes in my mouth. My mouth tastes like sawdust.