Crushing my crush

Or alternately titled “what the fuck was I thinking”

Or “Reasons why I’m a dumbass”

Here goes. Personal shit ahead. Stream of consciousness and brain vomit in order to process how I feel and make sure I am not lying to myself.

I didn’t mean to like him. I asked him a question, he answered. We chatted a bit. He stated upfront that he was not able to have a relationship. Awesome, cool. I’m not looking for one. We chatted a bit more. He’s intelligent and likes broadway musicals.

I mentioned I was going to see Rocky Horror one night and told him to come downtown. The next night he was at an open mic and told me to come out to the bar. The intent was very casual and distant.

Until I went to the open mic and we met in person. He told me he didn’t want a relationship with his words and kissed me with his lips. We went to the same party and spent half the night making out in the hall. We were ridiculous and fevered. He repeated he was looking for varied experiences, not a relationship.

But then we talked. And talked. And talked. I got a look at his life. I gave him a spot in my brain. I felt oddly submissive. Now these days I don’t identify as submissive. I know what it takes to submit and I don’t have it in me to be that raw. But he’d suggest something and I’d do it without thought. He found buttons and pushed them.

Let me rephrase: I showed him my buttons and begged him to push them. A friend would ask me how I have been and I’d say “I have a crush on a boy!!! Isn’t that fantastic?” The last month has been wonderful taking orders, and connecting to each other during stolen moments in the day, late night phone calls, links shared, finally feeling emotion.

I’m so grateful to him for being the catalyst to me waking up. I’m so angry at myself that I gave him a spot, though. Now I have to untangle myself. I’m such a fool.

I’m going to baby step myself backwards until he’s just the guy I made out with at a party. This would be a whole lot easier if I had more serotonin.

I should probably date more. Then these sort of things wouldn’t be a big deal at all. Why do I feel like I’m 13 and not 43???

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