I reached my three year mark. It came and went quietly. I didn’t mention it to anyone, I’m far enough removed from my mastectomy that everyone else has moved on. Rightfully so.
I should be able to look down at my body and accept the void. I should be at the point of embracing my flat.
I am not.
I still look down and gasp. I look down in the shower and burst into tears. Emotion tumbles out of every single pore. I glance at my reflection and am genuinely shocked. Admittedly it isn’t every single day like it was in the beginning.
I want to say I should be far enough along in my Breast Cancer Journey that these trivial things shouldn’t matter. But I’m not. They matter.
I know intellectually that I’m right where I’m supposed to be going at the pace I’m comfortable going. I firmly believe everyone is exactly where they need to be. Otherwise it’s just chaos. But maybe it is all chaos and you feel things for as long as you need to feel them.
I wonder if I’ll look down in the shower and cry tomorrow, or next week, next year, 10 years…. I don’t know.
Right now I’m just marking time. I’m not getting my hopes up. I want to hit my 5 year mark, hear NED, and have my port removed. I want to hit 10 years. 15, 20 years.
I want to stop marking time. I want to feel powerful. I want a sense of empowerment. I want to be the woman that does whatever it takes to see this through. I want to feel pride when I look down. I want to feel in my soul that my breasts or breast or flat ultimately do not matter. My life matters.
It’s been three years since I had my left breast removed. It’s been three years since I made the decision that saved my life. It’s been three years long years full of anger and fear.
I have two more years to go.
I’m going to shower and breathe. I’m going to look at myself in the mirror with less fear, less anger, and more pride. I deserve that.
If marking time has taught me anything, it’s taught me that I simply do not have time to hate myself. Not over breasts.
I do not have time to hate myself.
I don’t just have two more years to go, I have a lifetime. I have a lifetime to learn how to love myself.