I have been naked with my clothes on and clothed while completely naked. I have hidden my skin and exposed it on purpose. I have hated my skinny body and loved my fat body. I have looked in the mirror and seen a stranger’s skin. I have grown humans in my body. I have felt my breasts heavy with life. In the end I gave lip service to self confidence. I spouted all the things you need to say, all the pretty pretty words. But I have had issues much like everyone else.
Then add the scars from birth and the masectomy scars, and this and that…. I don’t even want to write that journal. But I’m attempting to recognize opportunities and trying desperately to get out of my own fucking way.
So there’s this luau every year my friends throw. I don’t want to go. I’m tired. Honestly any descriptive term will do, tired horny hungry sad hurting… Really just pick one. I am all of them. I’m drained.
Drained is probably the most accurate term.
But I love my friends. And they are throwing a huge party. I procrastinate until I simply must get in the car.
I know that once I get there I’ll have fun. And they always throw a great party. I do actually want to go, I’m just complaining about it for a minute.
It turns out it is a great party, there’s no doubt. Everyone is eating and laughing.
I wandered out to the pool in my summer dress…..
This is where I grow as a person so pay attention!!!
I didn’t bring my swimsuit because I’m fat and ugly and only have one boob. I look at all of my friends in the pool having fun. I stand on the edge of the pool literally on the sidelines of my own life. I want to get in the pool desperately. But…. I can’t.
Then my sister looks up and sees me. “Get in.” …
I can’t even though it looks so fun. But she catches my eye and gestures gently for me to get in the water.
It’s worth mentioning that everyone is naked or nearly naked in the pool.
Before I can change my mind, I quickly undress and step into the pool. I wrap my arms around myself and try to disappear into the pool of water. I start to breathe more and my eyes are darting around. I feel the vomit rising in my throat.
My friend swims over to me and I quickly blurt out “I can’t breathe and I’m naked and people are looking.” She grabs my hands in hers and I think she’s going to hug me. I need a hug or something. I need something to get me out of my own head because I’m fucking naked with just the one boob floating in the water. She loves me. She loves me for me and she understands my brain. I remember she’s the first person I ever let touch my tail. She’s got me. She’s going to protect me….
But then she takes my hands in hers and puts my hands on both of her breasts floating in the water saying cheerfully “You need a distraction, here play with these.”
We burst out laughing. She’s uncovered my boob and looked at me naked in the pool. She grins at me. Her face lights up and I remember.
I remember she’s the one who showed up at my brother’s funeral. She’s the one that put me in touch with an attorney. She’s the one that sat with me at 2 AM. She touched my tail and wrapped me in rope and loved me when I didn’t love myself.
I remember I’m a badass and I don’t need protection.
I float around in the pool, leaving her side. I feel… Brave.
My sister swims over and hugs me tight. Our legs tangle together and we float. I look around at this huge moment in my life and I’m grateful.
So…. I was naked at a Luau. I’m trying out this new self confidence thing. With the help of my friends, of course. How cool is that?