I will be signing divorce papers this week. I guess it’s time. I don’t want anything from him. He doesn’t want anything from me. But in the paperwork is a question that made me think.
Do I intend to go back to my maiden name?
My first thought was I didn’t want to step on any future wife’s toes. But also I birthed children without anesthesia. I took care of my mother in law. I paid bills, had the flu, celebrated holidays using that name. Then there’s the logistics of changing my last name on every document.
I decided to keep my married last name, mainly because I’ve had this last name longer than I had my original name and she’s a stranger to me. But it did get me thinking a lot about relationships. I’m not on any dating sites. I’m not talking to anyone new. I’m not talking to anyone old. It feels good. Weird, but good. I think it feels weird because I don’t have a constant stream of attention. But I’m adjusting.
I have even gone to several parties and except for the pet demo where I received the cell pop, I don’t play or flirt with anyone. Weird, but I’m really not interested. Maybe it’s hormonal. Maybe I’m finally comfortable in my own skin. Maybe it’s a phase.
But I’m really examing why my previous relationships didn’t work. I’m trying to be more aware of patterns and emotions and co dependancy. What could I have done differently…. No no, can’t go backwards. What mistakes did I make, what lessons did I learn, what did I love about them and what kind of person I want to be.
With Bug, I’m at peace with this. I very easily say ex-husband now. He and I are friends although we are not in any details. It’s mostly about the kids with an occasional what did the doctor say thrown in. He’s dating around, looking for someone to come home to. I don’t have any emotion beyond really honestly wanting him to find someone who treats him well. I understand my mistakes during my marriage. Lord, there were years where I just sucked. But I no longer place the demise of my relationship completely on my shoulders.
With my former Sir, I recognize that he and I used each other for various reasons. I loved him, but I eventually pulled away and reserved parts of myself. I think he loved me but eventually stopped loving me and was grateful for the end. He and I no longer communicate. I don’t see any reason for it. The last time we talked, it was because his brother died. Unless something else happens, I don’t think we will be reaching out to each other. I understand my mistakes, and regrets. But I also learned amazing things during this time. I really do wish him well. I don’t know that he’s capable of happy, but I hope he gets close.
With H, it’s a bit of a blur because I was so focused on my diagnosis. I don’t think we’d still be together because we are going down different paths but I know that I love this woman and I need her in my life. I can’t speak to any mistakes or lessons learned about the end because quite frankly, when I try to remember the end of our relationship, I can’t. I can only recall feeling immense fear and anger. But I was so wrapped up in cancer, that I give myself a pass. Currently watching her grow and develop as a person, I’m secure in saying I chose well when I decided to love her.
With my ex Daddy, I don’t know. I really don’t. I know certain things. He’s capable of loving someone really big and I’m not that person. I made so many mistakes, it became so toxic. I didn’t recognize myself with him. Making the decision to block him was what’s best for both of us. I hope he finds someone who appreciates him and the love he has to offer.
There have been a handful of people that I thought I could share parts of myself with throughout the years. But I think that’s the problem.
Parts of myself.
Maybe with these papers being signed, maybe with me focusing on my own mistakes, maybe with me being honest with myself about who I am, who I want to be and who I am not, I can finally find some peace. Be a whole person.
I like being alone. I’m surprised at how much I like being alone.
I never in a million years thought I’d be this introspective woman capable of recognizing my own faults and mistakes. I never thought I’d ever be anything but a victim. Years ago things just happened to me and I blamed everyone else.
I recognize what I did wrong. I acknowledge the love I received and I’m grateful. I’m not angry or bitter. I’m not sad. I’m not wondering what I could have done differently.
I like myself. And I’m still learning.