Cancer free… And stuff.

The hodge podge of chaos that makes up my life astounds me. I’m functioning simply because the minutes are ticking by. The Sun goes down and comes back up again. I’m doing all the things adults do. I’m hanging on. But just barely….

Let’s start.

The pain in my body slowly increases. I’ve gone to the doctor and been given the all clear from the oncologist. That’s great. Really, truly. I am over the moon happy about not having cancer. So then why… Why am I hurting? I’m being referred to a rheumatologist. There’s that.

The pain just kinda stops me from doing a lot. My house is a mess. My finances are out of control. I feel like I need a few days of nothing happening and noone needing me to just even begin to put my life back in order.

Ethan died. I know that shouldn’t affect me the way it has but I am profoundly saddened by his passing. I don’t even know how to put into words what happened or even if I want to. But I’m not okay.

Ellen died. I spent so much time at the hospital, hoping. I fucking hate cancer. Summer is hurting and I wish I could help her.

The Elder’s car caught on fire. Driving down the interstate. Yes.

There have been several things, large and small, that I just can’t fix.

The girls all have chaos and I just can’t help any of them. I’m tired.

I had the flu and I was out of work. It just pushed me to the point where I haven’t worked enough hours to qualify for medical benefits. But I make $24 too much money to qualify for food stamps.

So I’m back to looking for a job where I either make enough money to not need food stamps or a sugardaddy. I’m so tired.

My husband moved back and offered to pay for the divorce. I need a lawyer. I need armor around my heart. I need to …. Something.

I have had great, wonderful, amazing, fantastic moments peppered in all this bad. An Easter reunion with long missed relatives. A muffin downtown. The perfect nail polish. Youngest got a job.

I know I haven’t blogged in a while. I needed something to balance out all the bad….

I’m clear for another 6 months with the oncologist. And that’s huge.

I just have to figure out the rest.


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