Please read that title. Slowly. Soak it in. Recognize that I’m talking about you (and me).
I could rehash what happened and place blame. I won’t. I should have known better. This is entirely my fault.
You see the truth is I’ve known for a very long time that this community spouts lies to make everything seem better than it is. I eagerly participate in this active lie, as well. So I’m not pointing fingers. I’m simply saying I see us for who we are.
I’m a single bottom. I don’t have anyone taking responsibility for my physical and emotional well being while I’m playing. If I space, noone is looking over my shoulder. And if I have a new experience where my reactions are unpredictable, I don’t have anyone keeping me safe.
You think it’s up to the dungeon monitor? The Top? When consent is violated, I assure you, they sleep well at night. You see… They think they are special. The violator is a community leader, a member of the board, a pillar, worst of all; a friend. And they don’t think anything horrible happened.
As a bottom I’m left alone in my bed staring at the ceiling, texting my ex. I’m trying to convince myself it wasn’t a big deal because…. Well I didn’t die. I’m overly sensitive and emotional. I’m over thinking. I’m hormonal. I’m exaggerating. I said yes to this other person touching me during a scene, thinking one person was someone else. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I thought I could trust the room. I thought I could trust myself to just let go. This is all my fault.
And there we have it. I failed to protect myself because I spaced immediately and wasn’t aware of my surroundings. In that moment, I failed *myself*.
Because this community is unsafe and I can not trust that I can lay on a table and have an amazing experience with a wonderful man who only wants to help me learn and grow, without some other Top thinking they are above the rules, because they are special so they can just walk over, interject into my scene and mess with me while I’m spaced. That someone thinks it’s perfectly okay to touch my tail while I’m spaced. … I know people that aren’t pets don’t understand but I’m crying as I type this. You don’t touch a Kitten’s tail. And personally for me, my tail is special. I feel exposed and vulnerable wearing it. And when you touch my tail without permission, I’ve been sexually violated.
Too often when a bottom is on the table or cross, it becomes a free for all, and too often that bottom is me.
Ultimately it is not anyone else’s responsibility for me but me. And with this community, I can’t afford to put myself back together after every time I play.
I will no longer play in public.
That’s sad because there are so many experiences I haven’t had.
Unless there is sweeping strict changes, I’ll stay home.
Because experience after experience, party after party, year after year, we all know the truth about this community.
I, for one, can’t afford to wait on a change that will never come.