Hiding my Little Kitten

I’m little. If you pay attention, you’d see it. You’d probably see it before I would. I can’t explain these things any more than I can explain why one color makes me happy and the other color doesn’t. It. Just. Is.

Mostly my little manifests organically. Sometimes I know that something specific makes me happy and I seek it out. Tonight I found myself alone and vulnerable. My fingers itched for contact but I knew leaning on someone who I wouldn’t allow to lean on me wasn’t fair. I don’t have the reserves. So I went to the park and I sat on the swings. The repetitive motion calmed me and I enjoyed the night air. Later I shoved the pile of laundry off my pet bed and climbed on. My arm dragging, the weight heavy. But I sat there with the lights off and I licked my shoulder and settled down, curling around myself. The night air still stuck to my skin.

I thought about the things I have held back or ignored. I thought about the people that accept me and those that tolerate but can’t understand me.

I was on the couch having a conversation about love vs attachment last weekend. I wasn’t able to articulate my thoughts. I saw my colors and knew that the motion would calm and focus me. I resisted because that person doesn’t like littles. So I fidgeted and struggled through the conversation.

I won’t do that again.

I was sitting next to a friend and spoke of scans and sex and stress. I was at my end and wanted to climb in her lap and lick her fingertips. I didn’t because she isn’t mine, I’m not hers and there are boundaries. I know if I asked her, she’d gladly accept my pet. I didn’t. The moment passed.

I won’t do that again.

This is me. I’m so tired of holding myself in check. I’m tired of warring with myself. I struggled a long time thinking I was a freak and I was alone.

Now I know I’m a freak, and I’m not alone.

Mostly I’ve fought for so long to be this person. I’m this little pet person. I hid myself, I started to do it again. Denying these organic integral parts of myself to keep the status quo.

I won’t do that again.

This is my reminder to myself.

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