#16

#16

If you read that as hash tag 16, get out. Get. Out.

I’m going to use real names because this journal deserves it.

I didn’t realize the journey I was going to go on when I started. I was told. Everyone tried to prepare me. People told me they were going on this journey with me. What a journey it has been.

There were times when I felt surrounded. Times when I felt smothered. Times when I felt alone and lost. The anger inside me will consume me for a very long time. Possibly forever. Strangely enough I’ve made peace with my anger. I think it will serve me well. The people that have gone on this journey with me, I will hold them deep in my heart and soul. Even when I felt alone, I knew I wasn’t.

When I got my diagnosis I pushed everyone away. I was mean, to put it mildly. But those that stayed pushed back. I’m so grateful.

Sir Thank you. Your 2am phone calls saved me. Every time. The panic rising in me was always met equally with a calm flowing from you. Your words were soft and full “Yes, you can do this Pet. You have to. Do the surgery. Don’t be stubborn. Do the chemo. Yes you can. You are strong Pet. You aren’t alone” I don’t have your collar and I could have been some girl you used to know. I’m so thankful that didn’t happen. I just need you to know Chad you are a much better man than you give yourself credit for and I’m in debt to you. Also you are my person. We will be in each others lives. That much I know. If someone asked me what I know to be true, its this: Chad loves me. I’m so grateful.

Heather I know you will never read this but those long conversations full of fear and anger and honesty mean the world to me. I’m sorry I was such a shit when I was scared. I kept thinking what if this doesn’t work and I die… so I was a shit. I hope in time you will look back on us and remember the good stuff that cancer can’t touch.

Jacky you were solid and steady right when I needed it.

Rhonda holding my face in the hospital bed, I believed you. I can’t express what that moment meant to me. You are soft and fierce. I love you.

Amanda I love that I know what your boss’s boobs look like. Thank you. You know why. And a hundred other things from giggles to tears to nachos.

Paula, you angel. You didn’t have to go to so much trouble. I’m grateful you ignored me and did it anyways. Your generous nature is powerful.

April, Tammy, Denise. You women just swooped me and carried me along. Oh my goodness the love I feel.

Megs and Tim you make me feel special without even trying. I crave the hugs you both give, more than the fudge. That’s saying something.

Charlotte and Paul oh that pork fed my entire family for meals and meals. I find myself seeking you out because I know kindness and acceptance when I see it. You have it for me in spades. I’m grateful.

Suzy you spoil me. I wanted to reject the prosthetic but instead I love that I now have an option. More than the caps and boobs I love your fierce protectiveness of me. You said to me once that I wasn’t allowed to make you love me and then just leave. I won’t. I love you, too.

Desirée my heart and my home are open to you. I trust you. I depend on you. I look to you for advice and guidance. You make me feel safe. I can’t thank you enough for your friendship and council. You make me feel SAFE.

Greg and Chris I feel like we are family. I feel accepted from my pet to my little to my self and my kids. You welcome me as if I belong. This is big in my world.

Raine, Rick, Trisha you are so much fun. Miso soup and space cookies aside you have a vibe. I like it. I want more of it. Thank you for surrounding me with positive energy.

Alicia you saved me. You saved me. You opened yourself to me and said come in. You saved me from myself. I don’t have adequate words.

Summer I love you. From the moment we met. I love that we have zero judgements and truth. Thank you for letting me be weak and never thinking I’m weak. Thank you for climbing in my bed and snuggling right next to my scar without flenching. You make me feel special.

Willow my partner in crime. Oh the trouble we could get into if laws and society weren’t a thing. I freaked out. Over and over. You told me to fuck anyone who didn’t look at my new body with awe. You told me I was beautiful. You told me to get my ass to chemo. You were mad with me. I love you, you beautiful bitch.

Latica what the hell!!! I NEVER expected you to shave your head. But once it was done I thought what a lovely gesture. I thought you could bring awareness to the importance of self exams. I felt like my cancer was useful. It felt wonderful. But then… you shaved your head again and again. “If you’re bald, I’m bald”. I sat down in the middle of the kitchen and cried. Thank the Gods you exist in this world. You don’t think this is a big deal. Trust me, it is.

Andy and Lynda You won’t let me fall. You have taken me under your wing and held me close. Your support even before my diagnosis took my breath. You let me inside your world and never said leave. You are both soft and protective and I love you.

Adam you soft sweet man full of generosity and kindness. You offer me your time and attention. You are such a genuine person. I’m lucky to have you in my life.

Greg and Sophie you found me across journals and strange connections and the deeper I got the better I felt. Messages and hugs were exchanged until I felt at home. I feel at home. I find a truth here that is comforting to me.

Bonnie THANK THE GODS YOU FOUND ME. I can’t express how much this new budding friendship means to me.

Ryan you validate my feelings and experiences. You motivate me and make me be nice to myself. You offer a quiet place for me to refuel. I feel like even on my sick days, I’m enough. Thank you.

Robert and Marlene you are rare people. Really rare. You think driving an hour to clean blood out of a drain is no big deal. But you’re wrong. It is. The lengths you go to for a friend gives me hope for this world.

Matthew Pimp Daddy this is your hooker. You have the best timing. I look down at my phone and it is exactly what I need. Its been that way for years. These are no simple meaningless communications. They mean the world to me.

Lbt, Sals, and Pals these organizations have been invaluable to me.

The kink community is full of people willing to roll up their sleeve. Its full of people willing to donate time and money and trade for a girl who didn’t realize what this journey was going to take. This community dried my tears and held my hand. This community refused to let me go on this journey alone.

I had my left breast removed on August 24th. I started chemo on October 6th. My 16th treatment was on February 16th. The red devil. Every side effect that could happen, did. A few unexpected issues, like always. Believe it or not there were times when I was strong and felt invincible. There were times when I crumbled and had to be carried. Moments of panic and anger and fear was met head on with love. If I’ve learned anything on this journey its that love wins. Every time.

I have some blood work and a few scans in the next few weeks to see if the treatment worked. No matter what the scans show, I wouldn’t change a thing. Its brought me here.

Its brought me to the place where love lives.

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