I’m trying to decide who I am. I don’t want to change who I am, mind you. I’d just like to solidify in my brain who I am before I start involving other people. That way when I’m tempted to change who I am to suit someone else, or hide who I am, I can give myself a mental check. Is this a change I’d make with or without someone else’s input? I’ve asked a few people to give me honest assessments of myself just so I can get different perspectives. (Feel free to comment) I feel like I’m finally exploring myself on my terms.
I have bought a few different cheeses over the last few months. See, my husband liked sharp cheddar and my Sir liked colby. So that’s what I bought with never a thought to what I actually liked. My next cheese choice will be a cranberry cinnamon cheddar. Just because I fucking can.
I am exploring new kinks on my own. I am trying to work within the limits of my new body and to tell the truth, its challenging. I loved chest harnesses. I craved them and would wear them all the time if I were allowed. I’m never going to feel the bite of rope across my chest again. I’m constructing a one sided harness that lays on top of my left shoulder and braids down my sternum and back over to settle on my left hip. In my brain it totally works. But I once thought this about flogger lengths and physics fucked me. So who knows.
The point is that I’m on a really awesome self exploration. Having such raw emotions right now is really working for me.
My kitten trapped deep inside me is itching to get out. I have worn a set of ears every day for a week or so now. I was tired and couldn’t read anymore, so I climbed in my friend’s lap. I Nuzzled her and she just let it happen. She walked me to my pet bed and tucked me in. I napped for a while. Its really really really rare when my full kitten escapes. It felt so good, I want to do it again.
Some of it seems pointless to do because well I don’t have anyone to do things for anymore. Sitting in hospitals, I have lots of time to think. I can do these things for myself. Can’t I? Does that seem silly?
So what do I like? Who am I? How do I want to proceed? I know I’m a kitten. I know I’m a little. Bottom, pain, sensation.
Don’t know. But I’m certainly figuring it out.