What I need from you

I need you to listen to me. I need you to hear me. I need you to feel me. I need this. Desperately. Hopefully.

If you have ever gleaned anything from my writing or my pictures or from across a room, please do so now.

I am completely fully and incomprehensibly devastated beyond measure. Deep within myself, I’ve changed in a way I’m not understanding. On the surface I have drastically changed. Not all of it is bad, but not all of it is good. I’m certain none of it is the same.

I’m angry. Irate. Vexed. Irritated. Indigent. Horrified. Terrified. Frightened. Alone. Scared. Enraged. Exasperated. Monstrous. Melting. Frozen.

I look at myself in the mirror and don’t recognize the woman looking back at me. I don’t recognize her eyes. I don’t recognize her tired face. I don’t recognize her at all. At all.

Neck is bare. Belly is pouched out. Thighs are covered in cellulite. Those things are familiar. The same but different.

My breasts were covered in scars and stretched marks. They were soft and malleable. They were sensitive and occasionally seductive. They fed my children and excited my lovers.

Everything is different now. Everything. I regret every moment. I regret everything.

The moments I was ashamed. The moments I was shy. The moments I wanted desperately to be an exhibitionists. I regret every turtleneck. I regret every time I had an intimate moment with a lover and chose to keep my shirt on. I regret not flashing the parade float.

But this, this is the regret. The biggest most devastating horrible thing I’ve ever done. The thing I regret more than anything else in my life.

This:

I regret not listening. Not listening to my Sir. Not listening to my daughter. Not listening to my friends. I regret not listening to MYSELF. I regret KNOWING and still doing nothing.

Nothing because I was scared. Nothing because I didn’t want to face what I knew that I knew. Nothing. And it cost me.

It cost me so much. I’m just grateful it didn’t cost me everything.

So listen to me. Please hear me. Please learn from me. Please oh please hear my plea. Listen to yourself. Listen to your sisters.

Go to the doctor. Even if its nothing. Even if the money is wasted. Even if… just go. Please.

Please.

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