First of all (and know there probably will not be a second of all) I feel great. Considering.
I’m tired. I have zero energy, stamina, or strength. Going from the couch to the coffee pot is monumental. Good thing I’m addicted to caffeine. But I’m trying to be positive. Most days I succeed.
The surgeon is wonderful and I’m healing fantastically. I’m actually healing too quickly, which has led to a slight complication. Its not unexpected and is being dealt with. No worries.
I have clear margins and negative lymph nodes. Early stage two. My receptors are exactly where they should be. I’ve been cleared to drive although I’m too tired to go anywhere. I can move without resistance as tolerated. I can lift things ONLY if there is no pull or tightening. We’ve discovered if they weigh less than a two liter, I’m golden. Bigger than a two liter is a nope.
I am meeting with my oncologist Wednesday to discuss chemo and radiation. I’m meeting with my surgeon Tuesday to deal with complications.
Mastectomy clothing is just ridiculous. I’m not paying $75 for a tee shirt. However, I put on a bra for the first time and my brain and heart broke all over again. There has to be some happy medium.
Every day I’m stronger. Every day I’m better. I’m still angry and I hope to stay that way through this next phase. Stronger Better Angry!!! Fuck cancer. I survived the “bad wing” in a mental ward. I can do this.
And now for the best part!!!!
Thank you. Those are the most inadequate words I have ever spoken. If I could come up with something more eloquent, I surely would. I’ve been fed so well I’m not fitting into my jeans. My home is clean. My car is fixed. A collection was taken up and oh my goodness, I’m using that money to get back and forth for treatment. So thankful. My phone and inbox is full of people checking in. I’ve had knocks on my door bright and early and late at night. I’ve had a revolving door of love and flowers and food. I have kittens and ponies and pink glittery lip gloss overflowing. I am so grateful.
More than the food and flowers and stuffed kittens, I’ve had arms hold me, ears to listen to me. I’ve had hearts open and words of love tumble out. People that love me during the most difficult time just waiting for me. Undoing my bandages for the first time, putting on a bra, taking a shower, driving to the doctor, being there for news. I’ve soaked it all in.
A few months ago I was sitting in my car, trying to figure out how to drive home as the world crashed around me. I’d never felt more alone and lost. I drove the back streets, missing my turn and finally pulling over to cry. Cancer. Breast Cancer. I looked at my phone and put it back down. No one really cares about some girl with bad news. Everyone has problems of their own. I was wrong.
I’m so glad I was wrong.
To everyone for everything,