Thing 1 “Mom I’m a slut.”
Me “No you aren’t…. and even if you were, so what!! What happened?”
Thing 1 “Wanna know about the time I was drunk or the time I was sober….. I’ll just go in chronological order.”
Thing 1 “so his name is Chris and we’ve decided to be kinda friends with benefits. You okay?
Me “Yeah its just that you like Barney the Dinosaur, remember?”
Thing 1 “Right. Let me know when you’re okay….so as long as no one catches the feels…”
Me “I really hate the bastardization of the English language.”
Thing 1 “You think ‘bastardization’ doesn’t have a fucked up entomology? Anyways so we decided that it’s exclusive just because neither of us want actual relationships but understand physical needs. Plus Moooooom he’s sooooo sweet and weird. He doesn’t like his penis to touch the sheets. So I feel like after my big break up and my string of questionable decisions this is right for me. And… get this. I think he’d totally be down to spank me. I feel so modern. Mom???
Me “I gotta process this…….. If you’re happy and safe, then well I’m happy, too”
Thing 2 “His name is Andrew and we are JUST TALKING.”
“I like him. A lot. And get this, he’s never been to juvie.”
Me “You found a guy you like that’s never been arrested? WHAT?? I’m shocked.”
Thing 2. ” I never said that.
Me ” For fuck sake!!! No.”
Thing 2 ” Mom listen he’s different. He wants to meet you. But NOT right now. I need to be sure first. I want to do stuff the right way”
Thing 2. “He asked me to be his girlfriend”
Me “Is Moondoggie going to give you his pin?”
Thing 2 “Well I’m sure that means something if you’re old”
Me “You make me sad”
Thing 2 “Mooooooom!!!!! He.. he kissed me. Not kissed me but like kissed mekissed me. And it just MOOOOOOOM!!!!”
Me “Good stuff?”
Thing 2 “His hands were in my hair and my belly was warm. That’s never happened. I felt kinda sick. And then he pulled my hair IT GOT BETTER AND WORSE!!!”
Me “I hate that I like this kid.”
Thing two is doing alright.
Thing 3 ” You know Katelynne?”
Me “Yes, shes really sweet. I like Katelynne.
Thing 3 “Me, too…. ”
Me “Oh. Ooooh honey. Tell me everything.”
Thing 3 “I like girls and boys but I feel guilty that I don’t think I’d like a trans person.
Me “why not?”
<insert very long conversation and me showing my kid a picture of two people on Fet in a powerful and intense embrace>
Me “this person was born a different sex. This other person is fine with it. They love each other.”
Thing 3 “Mom look at that kiss. And they just don’t care about penis or vagina stuff”
Me “Nope. When you love someone it doesn’t matter.”
Thing 3 “I want that. That picture right there. Passion and trust and truth. Maybe I should just stop thinking about genitals and go with the flow. I’ve got time to figure it out.
Me “Admitting you like girls is new for you. You don’t have to define anything right now. Just relax”
Thing 3 “I like Katelynne. I like her a lot.”
Me “Does she like you?”
Thing 3 “No. But I’m trying to flirt with her. I need flirting tips”
Me “let’s see…”
Thing 3 “Not from you. No offense but you are a disaster.”
Whatever. Thing three is alright.