It’s taken me this long to process what has happened and what likely will happen in the very near future.
I don’t know how things will unfold for me. Does anyone? I’m beginning to think this universe is full of beautiful chaos.
I lost people again. Several peoples, actually. It hurts like an ache in my chest. Different than the one that lingers there already
Mostly, it is my fault. Well, it is my fault. Mostly was just said perhaps to make myself feel better about my decisions and choices.
No one remains. Any residual relationship either real or imagined is gone. For the best. Its all for the best.
I have pushed and pushed until I am completely alone. I did things and said things that I knew would blow up in my face. Shockingly my cancer didn’t scare away the vanilla friend. My kink, specifically my kitten did. Everyone else was just a slow progression.
Then I was waiting to meet my oncologist, hoping for some glimmer of good news. Why I hoped, who knows!! Some leftover little thing. A childhood belief that maybe this time things would work out. I was wrong to hope. I need to stay rooted to reality. It’s stage THREE, not two.
I can’t have false hope again. I am focused. Over the last few weeks I’ve slowly become emotionless. I didn’t cry when the needle stuck in my chest. I didn’t cry when I went through and deleted everyone. I didn’t cry when my ex called to yell at me and remove me from his Facebook. I didn’t cry getting dressed. I didn’t cry with my mother or father, I sat silently watching as they cried together.
I’m okay. I will start this next phase of my life clear headed and unburdened. I can’t regret anything. I simply don’t have the time.
I don’t know where I will live. Or what shape I will end up in. I don’t know how I will manage this new scary phase. But I’m not scared. I’m making peace with these rapid decisions as soon as my brain will let me.
I said earlier that no one remains, that I am alone and I am emotionless. That’s not completely the truth.
My children, a handful of family, and a few close friends who refused to go away when I pushed remain.
I suspect I will need them. And I’m not scared for me. I’m scared for them. So maybe I’m not emotionless, either.
As for kink, I’m looking forward to gold lassos. I’m going to go to a party and play. I’m going to swing and sway. I’m going to gather my subbies and littles and soak in as many cuddles and kisses as possible. I’m going to show off my scars.
I’m going to wake up each day and put my feet on the floor.