I don’t typically wear a scarf or hat. Several reasons for this. Its hot. I’m going through chemo induced menopause. I’m either freezing my one tit off or my fucking soul is on fire. I carry a beenie in my purse for the rare moments of chill. Most of the time, though my head is hot. The other reason has to do with acceptance. I spout acceptance and tolerance from my parental pulpit daily. I have to walk the talk.
The caps are comfortable. Truthfully, they make me feel like I’m blending in the crowd. A bald woman sticks out. Some days I don’t have the mental ability to have countless cancer conversations with total strangers. Other days I’m on my self exam soap box and will walk right up to a stranger and strike up that conversation. The point is its my choice which conversation to have or even to have one at all. But mostly I’m bald because I accept myself like this.
Here’s the fucking thing that pisses me off. I woke up with half an eyebrow. I can’t hide that. I’ve tried. I tried the brow powder, pencil, liner…bullshit.
Then my kid tried eye lashes to distract. She glued my eyes shut.
My brain is telling me to just accept this additional thing. My brain is telling me to accept this temporary thing. My brain is screaming at me that my children are watching and I must gather my strength and grace.
So I dry my tears looking in the mirror and go to the bank. I stare at the teller wondering what she’s thinking staring back at me. I point my half an eyebrow out to my friend and she giggles. She can’t help it. Her reaction is honest and then she makes crazy suggestions only I would find funny. A “wig unibrow” is discussed.
I see the humor in it. I’ve tried very hard to laugh about all of this. One of my children changed my name in her phone to “badass boob” for a time. I suggest to close friends to rub my head for luck. I have joked about the chemo giving me superpowers. I’m going to eventually be comfortable out in public again with my half eye brow, bald head, and one boob.
Right now though, I’m faking it.
Right now I don’t accept myself.
Right now I’m a hypocrite.