Introspection

I attempted to get an adjuster to update his content claim in Catalyst. He updated in Xact. I corrected him. He updated in dwelling. I corrected him. He emailed “the big boss” who emailed my boss who asked me why I didn’t just grab the update from Xact…. Because you specifically told me I wasn’t allowed to update the narrative from the adjuster into Catalyst myself….. Later that day I was taken into the break room and officially released.

Such is life I guess. I’ve slept for two whole days and cleaned my house. I nearly got kicked out of my Aunt’s funeral and promised to make corn casserole. I’ve eaten my weight in chocolate and watched Blacklist.

I’ve talked to myself over and over. I called a trusted friend who I can always count on to shoot me straight.

Am I dramatic and sensitive?

“Is this a trick question?”

Right. Am I .. unreasonable and misreable?

“Are we going down the list of negative attributes you have? To what end? Are you enjoying your own misery or is this introspective?”

I just need truth from alternate perspectives that isn’t emotionally charged.

“Ah. Yes you are sensitive and angry, you often do not see the forest for the trees, you are self sabotaging and self destructive. You wilfully participate in your own misery. You’re lazy and stubborn.”

Okay that’s enough.

“I could go on… Or should I now list the reasons why you are lovely. I suspect these characteristics you will turn a blind eye to, you do have horrific esteem.” ….

I hung up the phone after a lengthy conversation and thought about everything. Again.

I over think. And overshare.

I’ve stopped drinking gallons of coffee, gone to the gym, taken my pills and vitamins, shaved my legs, made a budget.

I stopped talking to him. That’s been the hardest part. I’d like to ask about his mother. Give her my network of help and aid…. I’d like to check on him. It’s stressful being the only caregiver. Instead I purposely focus on other things.

I’d like to tell him that I’m here and I’m sorry about us and her and life. But it’s a useless conversation to have.

He highlights every flaw I have and I end up feeling like the angry selfish sensitive whore that he thinks I am. I don’t deny those things. But I don’t have to feel like that all the time.

I know I have work to do. H said something to me right before we broke up. It essentially stated that I drained her more than she expected.

I have been lucky enough to be in relationships with some amazing people. I need to own my part of the demise without owning the entire destruction. I need to look to improving myself without the goal of “next time”. I don’t want to be the person that drains H simply because I don’t want to be a drain.

Something one of my friend’s said plays a lot in my head. She said I don’t know how to be happy. I think she’s right….

So I’m not wearing pants and I’m binge watching Netflix. I’m purging my life of the things and people that don’t make me happy. I’m drinking water and eating breakfast.

I have an interview next week and I’m thinking of how wonderful and patient my friends are.

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