Alternately titled Go Fuck Yourself by Me
I don’t know why I am the way I am…I just am and my life? It just is.
I don’t go storming over to people’s houses demanding to know why this person did whatever to that person. If it doesn’t directly involve me or mine, chances are I don’t give a shit.
But I laugh loud, and I cry hard. I carry my heart on my sleeve and I’m really sensitive. When I walk into a room, I bust in. I’m looking for my loves. I’m looking for love and laughter and comfort. But I’m also a contradiction. I don’t like judgmental attention. I don’t think anyone does.
So he and I were talking and I mentioned my Kitten. I am insecure about the tail and ears and I am looking for claws I can find to fit over my nails….and my bowl…
I should have used the word flashy. Sometimes I think people look at me and assume I’m at a Comic Con. I used to be ashamed of my kitten, not accepting this part of myself. Even chastising myself when I did something kitten-ish. But now I want to do these things without a lot of flash. I just want to wear my tail and ears without anyone looking at me with judgement. That’s what I meant.
I said I feared I’d be too dramatic with all my kitten stuff. I should have used the word flashy. Perhaps the conversation would have gone differently.
Because he mentioned several times that he got a good laugh out of me saying I didn’t want to be dramatic.
It hurt my feelings. He’d said the day before that I got my feelings hurt about *everything*.
That’s probably true. I am sensitive. But I really don’t like being laughed at. About my kitten. About the way I live my life. About my personality.
It’s big. It’s full. I can’t help it. I guess being around me can feel like you’re in the audience watching me on stage. I guess it can feel like there’s a spot light.
But ….. I’m not telling huge lies about my life. It’s just …
When I’m cold, I’m freezing.
When I’m hungry, I’m starving.
When I love you….I will invade.
When I hate you….
I don’t want you to look at me with judging eyes when I do something kitten-ish. I’d rather not be flashy with my kitten,though. I don’t want to be ridiculed and feel like I should defend myself for my dramatic life.
But if this is too much, if you have to laugh at me for the way I live my life, if you can’t handle how big I am…. There’s the door. Use it.
Before you go though know that your judgments hurt. There’s a reason people call you an asshole. If you ever look around your life and wonder why noone stays, maybe it’s because you laughed at them.
Also… Go fuck yourself.