Working on it

I turned down a friend’s offer out for drinks. I didn’t go to the Halloween party. I didn’t text anyone to fill the time. I just sat and felt what demanded to be felt.

I asked a friend of mine for advice.

Figure out what you want to do, frivolous things and the really big things, too. And fill your space with love.

It seems so simple. But I’m never simple. It has to be complex and complicated with various answers and many paths. Because THEN the answer has meat. And I can show people all the hard work I have done to improve myself and impress them. That’s what I want… Improvement and impression.

If I am all alone and I do it really well, if I am the BEST most improved single woman then it will have all been worth it. THIS martyr life is a special worthy life, right?

Except right now it’s messy and not full of love. I’m working on it. I’m working on loving myself for me, not because it’s the thing that’s expected of me.

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