My husband said that to me once a very long time ago. I’ve never forgotten.
He was going down the long list of my shortcomings and ticking things off one by one. When he noticed my tears he was so fed up with me, my tears had no effect on him. I hated myself for appearing weak. I quickly brushed my tears aside. Every tear that fell, I’d scrub my hand across my cheeks, trying desperately to listen.
Today I was given additions to the list.
Each time I stand still and let the words happen. Slowly I become the villain until that’s all that’s left.
I don’t trust anyone. I can’t let go enough to trust that someone else will take care of me. I try, oh goodness, I try. But then I snatch the trust back. It becomes a never-ending cycle of letting go and holding back.
But I’ve made no claims to be anything other than broken.
Still it doesn’t matter. Blame ends up placed at my feet. I was too much this, not enough that. I wasn’t open about all my demons. I didn’t give the relationship time. I orchestrated the demise of the relationship on purpose.
Okay I’ll take that. But then:
“You wanted drama….and you got it. Plain and simple. And love? You don’t have a single idea of what that actually is.”
That one I won’t embrace. I won’t own that.
I have loved more deeply and passionately than I thought possible. I loved when I had nothing left. I loved when it was the only thing keeping me alive.
He’s just angry I don’t love him.