Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow.

So much has happened lately and I’m trying to catch up. I’m trying to keep it together and keep everyone floating.

So two of the three have been arrested for failure to appear because of unpaid speeding tickets. Everyone is still recovering from their collective mistakes. I paid to have Middle’s car released from impound. Now she is about to be without power. I’m never going to pay back everyone I owe, get ahead, and buy a fence if I can’t breathe one second. Last week it was an emergency visit to the vet and the deposit for Youngest’s field trip. This week it’s the cops called and get power on at Middle’s place. Elder has been sick for over a month and needs to go to the doctor.

I’m overwhelmed.

I took today off. I shouldn’t have. I really should have gotten my ass up and gone to work. But I’m laying here thinking about my doctor visit.

I resent the breast I have left. I wish I could cut it off and go about my day. Instead I have scans scheduled. When I told the doctor nurse practitioner (and can I just rant about the stranger that’s the new nurse practitioner walking in and NOT my oncologist. And the nurse that stuck my port is the worst nurse, it took her two tries… Who misses the port??? ) about everything. Her response was a suggestion to go on a walk three times a week. I can’t walk to my mailbox. That’s the suggestion? That’s the medical solution to my chest hurting and my knees hurting and my brain not working. I don’t have cancer again, the chemo saved my life. Everything that’s happening now I should learn to live with.

“Unfortunately this is the price you pay”. Those were her exact words.

So I went out to my car and cried really hard. I get to feel like this. I should be grateful. I really should. But instead I’m just… Angry.

I’m angry.

So I took the day off when I was specifically told there are no days off. I told them I have blood work today. My job doesn’t know I have a port and my blood work was done yesterday.

I’m laying in bed, sore and tired and angry at my life.

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