What you deserve

My friend called this morning. “Have you ever been in love?” was her hello.

Yes.

“Do you still love him?”

Yes.

“Does it suck?”

Nah. I’m grateful. But I’m also changed by it.

When I fell in love it was forevermore. Neither of us anticipated the slow morph life would put us through.

Everyone since him understands that he and I have a connection and are maintaining this life together, separately.

I am accepting and acknowledging the love feels different in my heart. But it isn’t diminished because the ring sits in my jewelry box instead of on my finger.

I will love him forevermore, although it isn’t the love that was intended when I spoke our vows. I have reached a peace about the morph of love.

“Are you afraid of love now?”

No.

I was. I was terrified that I would love so big again and they would take that love with them when they left. I was afraid that I’d be left alone with all the love piled around me like cement. I loved big and I pushed hard. And that’s just what happened.

“Do you love them still?”

They aren’t grouped together in my head and heart. It’s hard to love someone who doesn’t love themselves. I’m amazed that love was even accomplished and the feeling took root and was allowed to grow in such barren wasteland.

They did the best with what they had and I feel a gratitude toward them for sticking with me, for attempting to love me.

I love them both together and separately. But there is a place in my past that they belong in now. I’m different today.

“So love now is…..?”

Relaxed. And desperate. I can be alone with ease. I don’t need anyone to love me nor do I need to love anyone. Loving him is easy. It just…is. But I’m not going to sit back. Loving him is a desperate feeling of never having enough. And I’m happy.

“I don’t want to be afraid. What if…”

Shhhh. There is no what if. There is only what is. Do you love him? Then just love him.

I hope her heart let’s her love him. She deserves it.

We all do.

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