The fight was epic and all of the words were said. We yelled and texted and yelled some more. When all the words were done and there was nothing left, the silence stretched out in front of me. I accepted the silence. I let my phone die and began to pick up the pieces.
On the way back from Tuscaloosa, the drive was long and boring, my mind wandered from one thing to the next and my text tone went off.
“Why do we do this to each other?”
The fight that we’d had for weeks wasn’t over apparently. There must be a reason I so passionately argue with him. I desperately need him to understand me. I care what he thinks.
I think maybe though this time I’ve pushed too far. I’ve said too much. I keep waiting for him to leave again in a huff. Except he doesn’t. Instead he sighs and tells me he hates that I collect people. He accepts. I accept. He comes over and climbs in the bed.
“Why are you here? What IS this? What is this ? ”
I don’t want to do this again. With him. With anyone. It’s been back and forth on again off again so much. It’s incredibly unhealthy.
I don’t want to get hurt. Not again. The moments of pain blur together until I look back and what’s stitched my life together is just…. Pain. I don’t want to willingly sign up for that.
I tell him to go away. I’m mean and distant, needy and desperate. I tell him I’m tired and scared. I don’t want a relationship, or a collar or a wedding ring. I barely want plans for next week. His patience is astounding. He anticipates my ever changing state of mind. He’s calm and soft. He’s steady.
The days pile up. A routine of sorts falls into place. Is this too fast, is it even possible? What are we doing? I need clarity and expectations. Is this…. Exclusive? Okay what about girls? Or parties? I ask a million questions and agree “on a trial basis”.
I have a sorta kinda maybe answer to the “are you dating anyone” question.
But it’s just something I’m trying out. Not a big deal. Until I go to Costco with him. He wants a membership. I tag along. However, I butt in at the member service desk. I ask questions he doesn’t know to ask. The associate assumes he and I are married. He doesn’t correct her and signs me up as his complementary household member.
What. The. Fuck. Just. Happened??
I can’t figure out if he did it to fuck with me, because he’s nice, or because he sees a future here.
Costco cards have an expiration date, though. I’m relatively safe.