A friend of mine asked me how she could move her relationship to the next level. I told her you have to be fearless and jump in. You are either all in or you’re just playing house. Then I felt like shit and told her not to listen to me. I couldn’t sustain a healthy relationship if my life depended on it. The thing is I know I’m right about jumping in. But all in fucking hurts when it ends. And it always ends. 

That’s why I  regularly let my phone die. I go to the gym, work, then back home. I am trying to arrive at a place of peace and acceptance about the current state of my life. I’ve had pep talks in the shower. Pep talks in the car. Pep talks laying in the bed.  My previous relationships were toxic. Any future relationship would be the same, I’d imagine. 
The past relationships weren’t always toxic, though. Only in the end.  I know that each person was in my life very specifically to fill a mutual need. We each brought something the other needed. It worked… Until it didn’t. Then the toxic behaviors started and I began to feed off of the unhealthy energy. 
I’m attempting to recognize my cycles of need and attention. My fingers itch. I crave the connection, however unhealthy it is. have to tell myself that I’m just lonely and I miss energy, that I don’t actually miss the relationship. 
I do, though.I miss the conversation. I miss riding in his truck listening to music I can’t stand. I miss his hands. I miss long text conversations about nothing.

I’m so damaged and broken that I look at the pieces of myself and know with absolute certainty that *this* is as good as it gets. Subjecting someone else to me is just unfair to everyone involved. 
The fact that I refused to agree to never contact Chad is what ended my relationship is ironic. Chad and I aren’t enemies. There isn’t a need for that. With any of my past relationships, actually. I could text him just to say hi or if I needed him, and he could do the same. I wouldn’t call us best friends but we aren’t enemies. We aren’t in each others lives, all tangled up and emotional. If I were in his town and he had time, we’d meet at Starbucks and catch up. He would bring V. If Steve were in town, he’d sit on my couch with T. If H were in town I’d snuggle her until she had to leave. Hell just the other day Kevin was on this side of the bay and we ran into each other at the grocery store. We sat on his tailgate and chatted for 30 minutes. I’m not enemies. It’s taken a lot of work on my part and a gremlin bell that was never received to get here. I’m really proud that I’m here. 
But here is where I stay. I’ve talked until I have no more words. I’ve cried until I have no more tears. This is where I am. Am I looking deep inside and trying to change my part of the poison, or am I looking in the mirror and saying Ehh I’m good enough as is? 
I fucking googled “why are you toxic in your relationships” and it ended up being a bunch of all the other person’s fault articles. But I recognize my part. I could go down the list as to why I’m a horrible wife, girlfriend, and sub. If there was a check list of things not to do, I’d probably x them all.
I’m the toxicity in a relationship is the constant reminder in my head when my fingers itch and my thighs are wet and my heart aches. I’m the reason I can’t jump in with both feet. I’m the reason I can’t just let go and do the thing that would save both of us. I place all the blame for the demise at my feet. The other person becomes the long suffering partner, the saint with patience and understanding, the person I have wronged.
I am the poison. I am the toxicity that must be purged. 

Sitting in the shower this morning, using body wash not bought for me. Wearing a jacket that still smells like pancakes. Painting my toe nails with pink glitter. Holding my breath as the poison slides around in my veins like chemo. I am the poison. But jumping in still hurts more than the poison does. Steve found the antidote to me. Chad did as well. T and V are both everything I could never be. They inspire. They are the exception. 
I am the poison.  I am the toxic part of the relationship. So I give myself pep talks in the shower. 
I go to work, go to the gym, go home. Look in the mirror and tell myself I’m good enough while also telling myself I’m broken and toxic. Both can’t be true.


Can they? 


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