I woke up tangled in my sheets with his hand on my hip. I am so used to sleeping alone now that sleeping next to someone brings on a restless night. And yet I crave his intimate touch. He wakes up in the night and notices me rubbing against him. I’ve never had to have the “hey I’m a kitten, little, masochist, sub, brat” conversation thing. He just accepted. He kept asking to be my person, saying that he had shoulders. But he didn’t push.
I find that I don’t talk to anyone. I don’t talk about how I feel or why I’m scared. I don’t cry and I don’t empty my brain out and let all my insecurities run wild. Well, I’m human. It happens but these days it’s really rare. I’ve slowly closed ranks where only a few get inside.
It doesn’t happen with him except on accident. This morning he is quiet and still with his hand on my hip. I want very much not to lick him. I don’t want him to be my person. There’s been too much history and most of it not good.
But this morning his hand is on my hip and his teeth sink into my shoulder. I lick him. I open my mouth and words tumble out. Intimate anger and insecurities take center stage as the bite marks slowly turn into bruises. We talk about the mastectomy and my 40 pound weight gain. We talk about his son and mother and my family. He asks if I want advice. He’s edging closer and I want to push him away.
I don’t want a collar or rules. I don’t want to call him in the middle of the night when I’ve had a nightmare. I don’t want to depend on him and I certainly don’t want him to be my person. I want to be alone.
Alone means I can just have fun and sleep by myself and get used to feeling lonely. Alone means there aren’t expectations which means there aren’t disappointments. Alone means I don’t have a person that I push away over and over until he doesn’t come back. Alone means that am not a failure. Alone feels good.
But he’s made plans to come over in a few days. Maybe he will write on me again, maybe he will bite me, maybe he will ask me how my day is and tell me about his.
I like being alone, really
If I like being alone and I don’t want a collar or person then what is this? And why am I not pushing him away?