I haven’t written in a while.
Everything has happened and nothing at all. I’ve done a bunch of waiting and hoping and watching. Praying.
I sat across from a woman at work wearing a Metallica shirt. I informed her that we must be friends. Her name is Veronica. She is multicultural and bilingual. She is scared about the growing hatred in the South. She’s working overtime to afford to move somewhere more open minded. Her husband was refused service at a gas station the other day. She had fear in her eyes and her voice caught talking to me. I reached over and took her hand and said “Look at my face. l will walk with you to your car. If you see me out in public I’m with you. I will stand with you in line to get service.” This world scares me. Sharing this moment with her was humbling.
I’ve befriended a couple. My work wife and work husband. They are married to each other and they fight over which one of them the dog loves more. The work husband is a former drug addict. He talks of drugs in such a romantic way that it scares me. He reminds me of my brother. I hope my work husband stays put on this Earth. I’m not emotionally equipped for that to not be the case. I understand the dramatic nature of that statement. Drugs have a dramatic effect.
Middle brought home a worm and flea riddled kitten named Daisy. The Youngest rescued a Lab Collie mix named Sam two days later. They do not coexist yet. It will be interesting when the Elder brings home Chewbacca. I’m trying to convince the girls to have a chicken or two.
I kissed a girl standing in the rain at Books a Million. Then she very gently told me that my life was very heavy and that we would always be friends but she wasn’t sure she could invest. I understand. Honestly, I don’t know how much I have to invest either. The date was wonderful regardless of the outcome.
The current significant, the guy that loves animals and ammo is no longer in my life. I tried. I really, really did. Sitting at Breakfast he informs me that “this” is nothing. Just like that all the effort I put into the relationship evaporated. Driving down his driveway in tears I vowed to never cry over Jamie again. Looking back trying to constantly repair and adjust, I don’t know why I held out hope. I, of course, am to blame for this one as well. He kept telling me “truth” about myself that just couldn’t be. Convincing him he was wrong was exhausting. I genuinely liked him. But parts of him scratched across raw nerve endings. He has kinks that I actually find repulsive. They are, in fact, on my hard limit list. I participated as much as I could and still look myself in the mirror. He kept trying to tell me I secretly enjoyed these things. No. Not at all. Mistaking my submissive nature for enthusiasm made me slowly loose respect for him. I started to think “not this again” every time. I wanted to travel down a dark path with him simply because it made him happy and I was desperately trying to make him happy. The farther down this dark path I traveled all the while having him in my ear telling me he just knew I secretly loved these things churned my stomach. We fought every few days over something. It was always something wrong I did. Always. Finally at Breakfast the final straw was being told that all of my effort to bend, all of the time spent, the miles traveled, conversations had, the cuddles, tears, orgasms, and laughter all meant nothing to him.
I skipped the Christmas party. I chose to work. I feel like my friends are so far removed from my life and I miss them. I try to stay connected but I’m really a shit at communicating. I feel like sending out a general mass texts “So, what’s new with you?” Maybe that’s desperate and pathetic?
I have massive things happening in my life I’m not ready to write about as well. They are significant and terrifying. I’m certain some of these things will be nothing.
My brother got in a wreck in the rain and I’m amazed he wasn’t hurt. My grandmother just got out the hospital from a serious bout of pneumonia. My step father is taking each day as it comes, fighting his way through cancer. I spent some wonderful time with my cousin, each of us wrapped in pain and trying to talk our way through life, one cup of coffee at a time. Adam is going to come over with a couch, I’m going to find time to put up my Christmas tree. I’m going to paint my living room before it drives me insane.
It’s three in the morning. Tomorrow is Youngest’s Holiday Concert. Do you know how much a $3000 trumpet costs? Three. Thousand. Dollars.
I’m stitching these moments of significance and moments of nothing together and hopefully creating a blanket of life I can truly appreciate.