The last journal I wrote made me feel immensely guilty and ashamed. I painted this incredibly villainous portrait of my former Sir which makes me seem like the poor suffering sub. There are no journals detailing all of the shit I put him through. There are no journals detailing all of the little things he did that made me feel loved and special.
He loves me. I know this. I love him. I know this. He is my person. My 2 am phone call. He knows me and I know most of him.
When my facade started to crack and he saw the real me he didn’t run.When he saw all my ugly he loved me anyways.
I’m mean and vicious with my tongue. I’m jealous and petty. I’m irrational and loud. I’m so fucking needy. Oh my good God the depths of my void is unimaginable.
I was married and complained about my marriage for years. He listened.
I created a fake okcupid account and wrote him. At first I just wanted to bait him. Then I realized I could get information. I actively lied to him for months. He forgave me.
I pitted my children against him in a battle he couldn’t win. I didn’t defend him to them. He didn’t move to Texas because he saw the end of my marriage before I did and he put his life on hold quietly waiting for mine to fall apart.
My uncle died and he stood in the corner for hours at the hospital just watching me as I watched the monitors slow down.
My brother died. He stood behind me as I picked out the casket and stood at the graveside for hours as I picked out the plot. When it was all over and I cried until I was sick, I knew his arms were the ones holding me.
When the lining of my intestine wore thin and I had to wear diapers for 5 months, he was the one who went to Walmart because I was too ashamed. He cleaned up more shit and vomit than anyone should ever be asked to clean up…. and I never once asked him.
He cooked and cleaned and picked up kids. He encouraged my pink hair and kitten ears. He lost sleep taking care of me. He trusted me with his kid.
He took care of me. He forgave me.
He loved me. He loved me when I was broken. He loved me when I was unlovable.
I hope some part of him will always love me.
Because I’m a horrible woman, and so hard to love.