I could have been a hooker…I could have been a whore…I could have been special. 

I had an interview today. I’m not thrilled with the job but I go because I’m out of options. That is a horrible feeling especially when I’ve increasingly felt like moving here has been a huge mistake. I’m trying to be positive but all I can manage is a very neutral composure. I’m not excited or nervous or dreading the interview. I don’t dress my best, I dress in what’s clean. Since giving my washer away, I’ve had nothing but problems. But I just add it to the fucking list of problems. 
I made a price list of what I think I’m worth and how many “Johns” I’d have to service just to see what it would take to survive. I signed up for a sugardaddy website because maybe being one man’s whore is better than a thousand men’s hooker. 
I naively thought that I was special. I thought I was a woman he could not live without. I told myself that’s why we kept coming together over and over and over. The pull towards him was stronger than any force I’d encountered. I assumed he felt the same. 

I know that I shouldn’t have, but I helped my mother move into her house. In an effort to save my arm and chest wall, I attempted to balance a heavy box on just one side. I twisted my knee. It’s swollen and throbbing and I can’t bend it. I am getting to be a pro at faking it, so there’s that. 

 I am going to make a list of things that need to be fixed. I should start with myself. There is no spark or zest. I’m going through the motions. 
I got a job today. 

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One thought on “I could have been a hooker…I could have been a whore…I could have been special. 

  1. You’re not broken to me. I mean, it’s okay to feel broken and have parts that look like they’ve been patched up a bit. You’ve got those, i know. What i mean is, you’re beautiful and perfect the way you are – for me. I get you may need to work on some stuffs with people that you’re closer to, but you’re just the perfect friend for me, and you always have been. I didn’t know you had this little place. I think i shall leave a toothbrush, if i may.

    Love Always,
    ~Histy~

    Like

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