I don’t know why I’m writing as much as I am. It’s all a pile of crap but it makes me feel better I guess. Mostly this blog has become the ramblings in my mind that currently make no sense that steal my sleep.
I’ve never been to the office for the youngest. I found myself spending half the day and missing the job fair in the office dealing with issues . It was fun. The bottom line is that her teacher is a grade A bitch, but also she needs to study. She’s never had to study, it’s a foreign concept for her. And this set my day.
The mood I’m currently in, one of panic and pain isn’t easy to deal with, for me or others around me. I have gotten to the bargaining stage with myself. If I get up and apply for one more job, I can take a nap. If I unpack one box today, just one box, I’ll fix myself a coffee and sit on the porch. If I go one more hour, I can text him and either ease my pain or cause him some. Panic and pain.
Honestly, I’m sick of family and friends stopping by and texting. I just want to be left alone. I want to crawl into a hole and lay there for a spell. However, I miss my friends. It’s a contradiction, I’m aware. Leave me alone, I’m lonely. Go away but stay on the edge just in case. It’s incredibly self centered of me to push my friends away but still want them to be there.
I have been diligent about taking my pill. I’m wondering if I should add something to it. Is there a pill that takes the squeeze in your chest away? I don’t know. It’s pretty near constant, this weight and pressure that makes it harder to breathe. I remember a time, years ago, where I knew my place in this world. I knew who I was and where I was going. I was a mom, a wife. I knew. Ten years ago, was it? Life seemed simple. There wasn’t a weight living in my chest then.
Now? What was I thinking? That is my constant thought. What. Was. I. Thinking??
I look at this house with the hundreds of repairs needed, and my children, all looking to me for some answers, some stability and I look at my empty phone where he doesn’t text me desperate declarations of absence and love and I just feel lost. I feel lost and alone.
It’s 4 am and I can’t sleep.