Fire

I kept doing the same thing, over and over. I went to work in the morning. I came home at night. I washed the dishes and rotated my load of laundry. I would drive down the road noting the places of significance. I would look around my apartment noting the places of significance. 
This is the place my marriage fell apart. That is the spot where I let my Sir slip through my fingers. That room is where my kid cut herself in secret for years. That’s the school my kid dropped out of. That’s the hotel I was raped in. This bedroom is where I nearly died. This bathroom is where my vomit splattered the walls. 

Once I exited my chemo fog and began to really look at my life, I started to cry on the way to work every day. It’s the real reason I stopped wearing make up. Dealing with the reality of my cancer weighted me down like I’m sinking anew every day. My brother committed suicide and my panic attacks returned to keep my tears company. Now I’m never sure why I’m crying. Or why I’m angry. 
The visit to the mental hospital loomed in my subconscious.I began to have nightmares about the hospital mixed in with my typical nightmares. If I don’t get my shit together I’ll end up back there. I can’t do that ever, ever again. 

I need a fucking break. Something needed to change. Something. Anything. Otherwise nothing would change. 
I woke up and just on a whim looked on Craigslist for houses to rent in Mobile. The third house happened to be my childhood home. I decided it was a sign. 
I quit my job, sublet my apartment, packed up my kids, and moved to Mobile all in a few days. I’m currently couch surfing while I look for a job and new place. 
It’s beyond stressful as I watch the money dwindle. It’s insane digging in boxes stashed in a room. I’m trying not to regret this. I know that I needed a change. I didn’t get Cancer in Mobile. My husband didn’t stop loving me in Mobile. I wasn’t driving along the beach listening to my brother’s heart stop over the phone in Mobile. That all happened in Foley. 

So here I am. I set fire to my old life. I am still grieving my brother, I’m still dealing with my cancer. I’m still looking at my daughter for new cuts. I’m not a fool. I understand location doesn’t matter when the issues live inside you. 
But everyone deserves a fresh start. 
This is mine. 

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