My name is not Colleen.

He is bending over backwards to accommodate me. He is leaving a space next to him big enough for me to fill. I just have to step into it. I have to trust him. I have to trust myself.

He let me down before. I let him down greatly. We both struggled to be what the other needed and I failed spectacularly. Now that I have anger as my best friend and loneliness as my lover I am absolutely certain that I will disappoint him again.

He’s already in such excellent hands. He has two subs that are willing to please and tease. They would do whatever he asked, whenever he asked it. They are sexy and adventurous. They aren’t fucked up, titless, emotional, dramatic brats.

He told me I can’t want something just because someone else has it. He told me I have to accept exactly who he is, not who I want him to be.

In order to be his again, I have a lot of work to do. I have to look at his subs with acceptance and allow room for others to come and go.

He won’t be putting on a paper collar.

I can live without what he offers. I can go about life without his collar. I’m reasonably certain that eventually I’ll even find a way to be happy.

I asked him what he wanted and his very simple reply was “I want to support you, protect you, I want you to be happy.”

I want those things for him. But the glaring difference is that when he asked me that question my answer wasn’t selfless and compassionate.

What would I bring to the table that he doesn’t already have? Jack Shit.

I have anger, loneliness, fear, hunger, drama, hostility, jealousy, insecurities, one less tit, and a houseful of disrespectful teenagers.

I can live without what he offers. But I don’t want to.

What now? What have I done?


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