consent is sexy.

He and I started negotiations over email. I stated simply that there will be no play on my left side. He mentioned leather cuffs. I have other limbs so I agreed. But as I’m mentioning these negotiations to Chad, he says he’d feel better if he contacted the guy. Chad restates no play on my left side. The guy doesn’t agree and says he will be very careful with my left side. I took play off the table. You shouldn’t have to state your limits over and over. The guy is angry that I didn’t tell him the severity of my limit. I shouldn’t need a reason for a limit. It simply is what it is. I told him that he was free to come down but THERE WILL BE NO BDSM OR KINK OF ANY KIND.

He agrees.

Our first hour together he suggests I invite my daughter back to the hotel room for drinks. I was stunned at the suggestion but decided that he must not be aware of how inappropriate that invitation is. I begin to feel uneasy but push it aside.

He and I are sharing time in the bed together. His hand finds my throat and squeezes. The last time I was in a hotel room with a man, I was raped and choked. I am steadying myself to be raped again and trying to calm myself at the same time. He asks if I’m okay and I say that I don’t want to be choked. He says he’s sorry and continues without his hand around my neck. It does not occur to me that the “no kink of any kind” rule is broken because I’m busy quickly putting myself back together.

I’m allergic to latex and he knows this. In the heat of the moment I didn’t think to check the condom. I assumed he was responsible. 30 seconds after the sex ended I start to itch. By the time I grab the foil pack I have tears in my eyes. I am swollen and still can not pee without pain. He uses the word irritated. I correct him and use the word allergic. I tell him I will be fine in a few days. His response is ” That’s disappointing, I wasn’t done with you. I wanted to wreck your pussy.” Again I’m shocked but hope like hell he’s misspoken. I roll over and he runs his hand along my hip. Then… he spanks me. I am stunned again at his actions thinking surely this didn’t just happen. But a second hit comes and I put my face in the pillow trying to figure out what to do. The consent is violated, my vagina is on fire, and I’m left trying to salvage a friendship. I move his hand.

I gather myself trying to quickly put aside these things. I convince myself I’m overly sensitive. I engage in a few pet and little things with him. I want him to have a good time despite my inner turmoil.

The next day we have a several discussions about the experience. I don’t mention I think my consent has been violated or that I feel disrespected. Sitting in the hot tub across from him with my swollen vagina constantly throbbing and the knowledge that I will have to tell Chad sitting in my belly, he says that he disagrees that the whole consent violation thing has been moved to an 11 and he resents that Tops are ostracized for a simple mistake. I say a mistake is an accident, consent violation is done on purpose. He counters with that is what safewords are for. Yes. He said that.

I begin to get very angry. Gone is my need to preserve this friendship. I tell him I was spanked when he knew that kink was off the table. He blames me by saying “why didn’t you say anything?” I see white hot anger and I say “What was the point? It’s over and done with now. And I will have to live with this.”

I should have called it off when he didn’t listen about my arm. I should have corrected him right away when he spoke about my children in such uncomfortable familiar ways. I should have gotten up and left the moment his hand squeezed my throat. I should have never been there for the spanking or latex condom. I didn’t listen to myself. I attempted to preserve a friendship I thought worth preserving.

I’m worth more than that.

However, I have a person that I’m interested in, and I believe he likes me. He asked me for drinks tonight. I said no. I no longer trust myself. I don’t trust my judgment. The last three men that I trusted ended with me having to put myself back together. Kevin didn’t listen to me over and over until I had to be mean and make him go away. He ignored my needs until I was forced to stand up for myself. Then the rapist happened. I ran like hell. Now this guy that I thought I could trust when I said “No BDSM”, doesn’t listen. It all boils down to me looking back at this pattern of men not listening to me. And now I don’t trust myself with the next guy.

Or the guy after that.

And I will have to live with this.

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3 thoughts on “consent is sexy.

  1. Thank you for sharing this very difficult experience. These retrospect lessons (if you can even call them that) are hard to utilize. Your blog is hard and gritty and worthy and your voice rings true. Thank you.

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  2. I recognize this pattern from experience. You deserve hard limits, and “No.” IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE. It does not require explanation. It does not mean maybe. It is. You deserve much more than these idiots. I had a hard time standing up for myself too, but it gets easier with practice.

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  3. Oh. And one more thing. These guys are all fitting into another pattern, the “try it and see” pattern. Those are the guys that rape. They see how much they can get away with and next thing you know, it’s too late. and it is NOT YOUR FAULT.

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