I’m making rapid decisions about my life and the direction I want to go. I’ve decided a few things that I feel will be a great impact. It boils down to wanting to be who I really am, embracing my actual self, or being the person I’m expected to be.
I’ve been told that I’m crazy so much in my life. I rarely see it. But enough people say it to me, and the fact that I spent time in the Bin, maybe it’s true?
What happens is that I get told that I’m crazy, that I’ve overreacted, or been extreme. I get tired of people telling me that, so I shut down. I shut completely down. I stay that way for a very long time. I don’t call people, I don’t go out, I don’t even look at Facebook. I’m not depressed, I’m not angry. I’m just… Done.
I don’t want to inflict whatever extreme emotion I have on anyone so I just don’t go around people.
But I also recognize that I stay inside an emotion. If I’m jealous, I’m always jealous. There doesn’t seem to be an enlightenment or acknowledgement. I don’t move through an emotion. Maybe that’s why people keep telling me, I’m crazy.
My former Sir asks me if I’ve taken my pill occasionally and it tips me off that perhaps I’m being more reactionary driven than logic driven.
I’m wondering now what’s so bad about feeling an emotion, even if it’s a very strong intense emotion. This doesn’t necessarily make me a crazy person, does it?
What if I decided to feel whatever I’m feeling for as long as I feel it? What if I try to not stifle, or shut down?
What if when someone asks how I’m doing I say “My brother died, and my children hate each other, and one doesn’t have anything to do with the other except that the regrets are chocking me.” Or what about this one “I don’t know how to stop the bleeding in my soul from the life I have, even though this life isn’t bad at all” or my current favorite thought that rattles around in my head “I was nearly unbearable before, but now that I have anger sitting where my tit used to be, who is going to want to deal with me… Not that I’m in any shape to be looking”
How’s that for crazy emotion? I’d like to feel it. I’d like to sit in the pocket of whatever truth I’m feeling. I’d like for this to not make me seem crazy.
But somehow it does.